Devil said Dance

why am i the way i am? i do so many things that i know will hurt me but i keep on doing it, like a fucking broken record. and the fucked up thing is that most of the times it's as if i'm having an out of body experience, looking down on my stupid ass making stupid mistakes and then like a snap i'm in it and fucking sweating like a fucking bitch. i don't know how to stop it. i'm so fucking tired of being this way, i need help and i don't know where or who is willing to even help my bitch ass when i obviously can't even help myself. 

i didn't know her but it makes me sad to see someone that was nice to me gone, it's weird.  it pains me to see someone with everything going for them in life to have it all taken away in an instant, life doesn't give a fuck, and it's cruel to see people who deserve life have it taken away from them. i wish peace and love to you. -- i wish i was the one that's gone, i have nothing to live for, no one that gives af besides someone from my past who is suffering from dementia who fucked my life up and yeah. there is nothing. growing older sucks and the reality is that it probably won't get any better, my shit is so insignificant that it hurts to think and feel. i wished i made some different choices in life, regrets and pain is all i have left in the tank, i am here but i am not here at the same time, 

 i hate being fat, and yes i know that motherfuckers would think "just lose weight", i don't know why it's so difficult for me, ok i lied, i know why. and i'm scared to face it head on. maybe i just don't. It's a mix of just accepting this and definitely all the underlying trauma that i have in my life. why don't i fix it? maybe it's the shame and potentially devastating outcome it might end with. Being alone sucks too but that's the reality that i chose and i should lie in the bed that i made. even if there was a chance to change the past i believe deep down it will still lead to this, me being alone and empty and just waiting for things to end. pushing everyone and everything away fixed my problems at one point in time but in the long run i can that maybe it isn't.  the pain i go through evey night isn't worth it, especially the pain inside, old shit keep replaying over and over again in my head like i'm being tortured, i don'

why do i keep trying even when there's no point to? is my humanity the reason for me to keep on going?  at my core i know i'm done, but i am scared, scared that it will hurt before i die. why can't there be a button to just switch off.  the only way for me to make it through the day is by being a straight up cunt, cos people are cunts. nice people have a way of staying away from me, i would too if i were them, i am nothing but a cloud of darkness and negativity and poison that slowly corrupts and destroys everything that is good that happen to cross paths with me. something drastic needs to happen, the only thing i can think of is to just step off the ledge of the highest building straight to hell.  This is the reason why i squeeze all this pain and troubling thoughts into an imaginary box, lock it and throw away the key deep in my psyche, but the monsters keep on coming back no matter what i do, i'm done breaking down in the bus, at the bus stops, at work, in my room,

I know, in my heart, that it's done. I just don't know how to end it. I have nothing and am nothing. I can't talk or type about this without ending up crying and sobbing like a fucking baby. And it hurts all the time, and that's the truth. I need help and i can't find it, that's a god damn lie, i don't deserve to be helped.

These past few days has been shittier than normal. How do you stay positive? Maybe it's all the junk i stuff in my face, hoping to fill the big motherfucking hole in my life. I'm so deep in the hole that the light goes in and out for a split second before it disappears and leave me, There was a time when i used to look forward to the future, but my body physically cringes at the thought of trying to live for another day, i sit here and wait for things to change which i know that it fucking won't but i still wait. I have cut ties from everyone that i know, all the "family and friends" but the truth is sometimes they are the ones who cut ties with me, it's hard being honest with myself cos sometimes i lie to myself to just make it through the day, that people around me actually gave a fuck but they don't. am i a narcissist? the thoughts in my head gets so deafening that i prefer silence most of the time. and when it all dials down i need to blast music in my